Eternal Wit

Whoever said, "You can't take it with you" was obviously not referring to a sense of humor ...

Here is a list of actual epitaphs from departed souls who clearly had more to say than the time to say it, or from their next of kin, who wanted to be sure they literally had the last word:

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies

Ezekial Aikle

Age 102

The Good Die Young.

In a London, England cemetery:

Ann Mann

Here lies Ann Mann,

Who lived an old maid

But died an old Mann.

Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace

The children of Israel wanted bread

And the Lord sent them manna,

Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,

And the Devil sent him Anna.

Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies

Johnny Yeast

Pardon me

For not rising.

Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake

Stepped on the gas

Instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays Butch,

We planted him raw.

He was quick on the trigger,

But slow on the draw.

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:

Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes

who died January 3, 1803

His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange

Here lies an honest lawyer,

And that is Strange.

Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:

I was somebody.

Who, is no business

Of yours.

Lester Moore was a Wells Fargo station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:

Here lies Lester Moore

Four slugs from a .44

No Les No More.

In a Georgia cemetery:

"I told you I was sick!"

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader if cash thou art

In want of any

Dig 4 feet deep

And thou wilt find a Penny.

On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:

She always said

her feet were killing her

but nobody believed her.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June

- Jonathan Fiddle -

Went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that
sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:

Here lies the body of our Anna

Done to death by a banana

It wasn't the fruit that laid her low

But the skin of the thing that made her go.

Here's more fun with names, this time featuring Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:

Gone away

Owin' more

Than he could pay.

Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr Wood:

In Memory of Beza Wood

Departed this life

Nov. 2, 1837

Aged 45 yrs.

Here lies one Wood

Enclosed in wood

One Wood

Within another.

The outer wood

Is very good:

We cannot praise

The other.

On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees

Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.

He is not here, there's only the pod:

Pease shelled out and went to God.

The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:

Who was fatally burned

March 21, 1870

by the explosion of a lamp

filled with "R.E. Danforth's

Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"

Here's Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

Born 1903--Died 1942

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.

It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist

All dressed up

And no place to go.

But does he make house calls? Dr Fred Roberts, Brookland, Arkansas:

Office now upstairs

Let's hope.

Friday's Girl

A centuries-old mystery has crossed my path again ...

I mentioned in a recent article that there was a dispute in many academic quarters regarding the actual Viking deity being honored by the name, 'Friday.' The cold, hard fact is that unless someone unearths a runic stone that confirms the issue --- and that's not likely --- only a preponderance of circumstantial evidence is going to carry the day in any such debate.

So, while others while away their time contemplating world peace, I've returned to the search for Friday's inspiration.

If you'll recall, four of the seven days of the week are named after Norse gods:

- Tuesday is for Tyr, the god of truth and war,

- Wednesday is for Odin, the Allfather of Viking gods,

- Thursday is for Thor, the god of thunder,

- Friday, however is cloaked in ambiguity.

I'd always heard the day's name-origin came from Frigg, Odin's elder wife --- he had more than one --- and this is supported by the most scholarly of English references, such as the Oxford dictionary. Others say it was for either Frey or Freja, who were brother and sister in the Vanir clan. Frey was the god of fertility, so it was considered essential to keep him happy; Freja was the goddess of love and beauty, so it didn't hurt to keep on her good side, either.

Frigg's duties were to be the goddess of the sky. It was a subtle job, but someone had to do it.

Turning to cyberspace for resolution, I happened on an excellent guide in Norse matters, The Viking Answer Lady. She is so meticulous in her material that I felt the possibility of her bringing light to the issue was quite good. So, I contacted her. To say she did her research is an understatement. Here's her reply to me:

"Since Western Europe all originally derived from Indo-European tribes, we find that there were a lot of correspondences between the various branches --- not exact, one-for-one identity, but concepts are clearly related. So it's no real surprise to find that the naming and symbolism of the days of the week, and the number of days in a week, might be pretty much the same in all the descendants of the Indo-Europeans.

"You can see the day-name correspondences in other languages that descend from Indo-European:

"Ancient Greek has: hemera selenes (moon day), hemera Areos (Ares' day), hemera Hermu (Hermes' day), hemera Dios (Zeus' day), hemera Aphrodites (Aphrodite's day), hemera Khronu (Chronos' day), hemera heliou (sun day)

"Latin: Lunae dies (Moon-day, Monday), Martis dies (Mars-Day, Tuesday), Mercurii dies (Mercury's day, Wednesday), Jovis dies (Jove's day, Thursday), Veneris dies (Venus' day, Friday), Saturni dies (Saturn's day, Saturday) or alternatively Christian Sabbatum or Sabbati dies (Sabbath day), Solis dies (Sunday)or alternatively Christian Dominicus dies (Lord's day)

"Unsurprisingly, the Romance languages clearly derive their day names from Latin, except for Portugese, which numbers the days:

"Italian: lunedi, martedi, mercoledi, giovedi, venerdi, sabato, domenica

"Spanish: lunes, martes, miércoles, jueves, viernes, sábado, domingo

"French: lundi, mardi, mercredi, jeudi, vendredi, samedi, dimanche

"Romanian: luni, marti, miercuri, joi, vineri, sîmbata, duminica

"Portugese: Segunda-Feira (2nd day, Monday); Terça-Feira (3rd day, Tuesday); Quarta-Feira (4th day, Wednesday); Quinta-Feira (5th day, Thursday); Sexta-Feira (6th day, Friday); Sábado (Sabbath, Saturday); Domingo (Lord's Day, Sunday)

"The Celtic languages have taken and preserved the Latin names of the days, and also borrowed heavily from Christian concepts:

"Welsh: Dydd Llun (moon/Luna day), Dydd Mawrth (Mars' day), Dydd Mercher (Mercury's day), Dydd Iau (Jove's day), Dydd Gwener (Venus's day), Dydd Sadwrn (Saturn's day), Dydd Sul (sun day)

"Gaelic: Di-luain (moon day); Di-máirt (Mars's day); Di-ciaduinn or Di-ciadaoin (day of the first fast of the week - Friday being the second fast); Diardaoin (the day between the two fasts of Wednesday and Friday); Di-haoine or Dia-aoine (day of the fast) Di-sathuirn (Saturn day); Di-dómhnuich (Lord's day)

"Irish: Dé Luan (moon/Luna day); Dé Mairt (Mars' day); Dé Céadaoin (day of the first fast of the week); Déardaoin; Dé h-Aoine (the day between the two fasts of Wednesday and Friday); Dé Sathairn (Saturn's day); Dé Domhnaigh (Lord's day)

"The Germanic languages, however, are also related. Ares/Mars was equated with Týr as a warrior god. Zeus/Jupiter was equated with Thórr as the god who hurled lightnings. Mercury was equated with Óðinn, since both had a role as psychompomps, the one who leads the dead to their afterlife. Aphrodite/Venus was equated with Frigga and Freyja.

"German: Montag (moon day), Dienstag (Týr's day), Mittwoch (Mid-week), Donnerstag (Donner's/Thórr's day), Freitag (Freyja/Frigga's day), Samstag (derived ultimately from Latin Sabbatum), Sonntag (sun day)

"Dutch: maandag (moon day), dinsdag, woensdag (Woden's/Óðinn's day), donderda (Donner's/Thórr's day), vrijdag (Freyja/Frigga's day), zaterdag (Saturn day), zondag (sun day)

"Norwegian and Danish: mandag (moon day), tirsdag (Týr's day), onsdag (Óðinn's day), torsdag (Thórr's day), fredag (Freyja's/Frigga's day), lørdag (washing day), søndag (sun day)

"Swedish: måndag (moon day), tisdag (Týr's day), onsdag (Óðinn's day), torsdag (Thrr's day), fredag (Freyja/Frigga's day), lördag (wash day), söndag (sun day)

"Old English: mondæg or monandæg (moon day); tiwesdæg (Tiw's day, Týr's day); wodnesdæg (Wotan's/Óðinn's day); thunresdæg (Thórr's day); frigedæg (Frigga's/Freya's day); sæterdæg or sæternesdæg (Saturn's day); sunnandæg (sun day)

"Middle English: monday, moneday, or monenday (moon day); tiwesday or tewesday (Tiw's day, Týr's day); wodnesday, wednesday, or wednesdai (Wotan's/Óðinn's day); thursday or thuresday (Thórr's day); fridai (Frigga's/Freya's day); saterday (Saturn's day); soneday, sonenday, sunday, sunnenday (sun day)

"North Frisian: monnendei (moon-day); Tirsdei (Týr's-day); Winsdei (Wotan's/Óðinn's day); Türsdei (Thórr's day); Fridei (Frigga's/Freyja's day); sennin (sun-evening); sennedei (sun day)

"Etymologically, it's impossible to tell for certain whether the 'Friday' words derive from Frigga or Freyja (at least so I am told, I am not a philologist or linguistics expert). We can tell by the cognates that the name is from a goddess equated with Venus and Aphrodite.

"We get into further problems in that 'Freyja' is derived from roots meaning simply 'lady' while 'Frigga' comes from roots related to 'beloved.' There have been several scholars who insist that Frigga and Freyja are just different titles for the same goddess.

"None the less, undoubtedly 'Friday' comes from the name of one of these two goddesses, and not from the name of the god Freyr."

Now, that's the sort of studied thoroughness that can achieve Masters degrees. It's a preponderance of evidence that can carry the day in a court of law. Even though she only eliminated one of the three contenders to the title of Friday's Namesake, the Viking Answer Lady has gone above and beyond the call of duty to provide me with the information I requested.

I'm sure glad I didn't tell her I was just trying to win a bar bet.

Darwinism Gone Wild

I have been unable to verify the claim that this essay was written in a prestigious publication, but it is a witty use of twisted logic ...

"Please make sure your read this carefully. It may change the way you think about your life and career.

"The following is an actual excerpt from a past issue Forbes Magazine:

"A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

"This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.

"In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

"Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.

"Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college years.

"So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, we must not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint.

"Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be.

"Forward this to all of your friends, acquaintances and coworkers that may be in danger of losing their edge. And remember, 'Red meat is not bad for you, fuzzy green meat is bad for you.'"

And that is a classic example of thinking outside the box, as long as that box is a half-rack.

Misspelled Scriptures

One way to confirm that cyberspace is the great equalizer is to observe the quality of editing that exists ...

I am truly amazed at the mangling endured by the English language on a significant number of sites. It's fair to assume that this malady has its roots in short attention spans during the school years. As a result, accuracy is often the first victim of poor spelling and grammar.

Still, if we're going to cite examples of this averral, let's do it with a touch of humor. Here are some responses by younger students from a secular school when asked to expound on various teachings of the Bible. Their words are unedited:

"In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off."

"Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree."

"Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark."

"Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears."

"Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night."

"The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unwympathetic Genitals."

"Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah."

"Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles."

"Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients."

"The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments."

"The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple."

"The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery."

"Moses died before he ever reached Canada."

"Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol."

"The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him."

"David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Bibical times."

"Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta."

"When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption."

"St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head."

"Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you."

"He also explained, 'a man doth not live by sweat alone.'"

"It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance."

"The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels."

"The epistles were the wives of the apostles."

"One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan."

"St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage."

Now, while we pause for a moment to wonder which of these authors will be filling our prescriptions and writing our wills when they reach adulthood, let's also consider that some of them could have a great future in punditry. Here's a likely candidate:

"A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony."

Ba-da-boom ... or however a rimshot is spelled.

Beer Through the Years

No one really knows exactly how the first beer came into being ...

Suffice it to say that, around 10,000 years ago, somebody let a primordial barley and hop concoction stand long enough for it to ferment. The result not only made anonymous history, it was the genesis of beer's own special influence throughout the ages.

Here are a few examples of note:

It was the accepted practice in Babylonia, as early as 4000 years ago, that for a month after a wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar-based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon." I have also heard that the custom included one of the most resourceful bits of propaganda ever created for husbands. As the story went, if the groom drank mead for an entire moon, it would enhance the chances of his wife bearing a male heir. The bride, however, had to abstain from drinking alcohol at all. I'll leave the punch lines to you.

After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called ‘aul,’ or ‘ale,’ a certain self-appointed breed of Vikings would head fearlessly into battle without armor, or even without shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild behavior in battle. They believed that Odin’s favor was all they needed for protection, and if they were to die in combat, it was only because The Allfather decided it was their time to enter the hallowed halls of Valhalla. This was Odin's great ‘Castle of the Chosen Slain,’ where 'inductees' would spend eternity in Viking nirvana, ie- fighting all day, having their wounds miraculously heal at sundown, and then partying all night, with generous quantities of ale at their beck and call.

Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This practice is where we get the phrase, "rule of thumb."

The first known consumer protection act arose with the German Beer Purity Law of 1516, known as Rheinheitsgebot. This decreed that, in order to be called 'beer,' a beverage could only consist of four ingredients: malt, hops, yeast and water. This is such a revered regulation that when the European Union facilitated the introduction of other beers into the German market, it took a court order for many stores to sell them. Most of those beers contained preservatives, and to a respectable German, that meant --- and still does --- that such beverages were not beer.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So, in olde England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase, "mind your P’s and Q's."

Also in England's olden days, pub frequenters often had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

In 1740, Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon “Old Grog,” after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy," a word that has been expanded to include the effects of too much beer and is still in use today.

There are numerous quotations which pay homage to beer. Allow me to list three of the wittiest:

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then, I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'"

-- Saturday Night Live's faux-philosopher, Jack Handy

"Put it back in the horse!"

-- W C Fields, disapproving of a sub-standard brew

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

-- Benjamin Franklin

Given a good pint, composed of God's natural ingredients and nurtured by man's learned craft, beer has made us very happy, indeed.

Just keep the joy below 0.08% of your blood content.

DXDistinctions

It's time to review the latest news on the DXinOne front ...

This is the business that's described on the Opportunity page of the Longer Life website, which also seems to be one of the most popular. Given the featured article there, I can see why.

I have been watching this 'first new business of the 21st century' since I first read that article, and I have been suitably intrigued. As I have said before in this column, I think they are indeed on to something that could be very successful.

There seems to be some debate these days as to whether DXiO is a business or an investment. Given that it exists in the financial arena, I would advise that it is the former.

The term 'investment' in the financial sense --- and that is prevalent on this forum --- pertains to registered issues such as stocks, bonds and other instruments populating a regulated market. Those who purvey such instruments must themselves be licensed.

Thus, anyone who believes the DXiO system to be an 'investment' in that context is quite mistaken.

Any capital that one commits to DXiO is doing so in the context of initiating a business franchise. To operate it passively would be an egregious error, for the following reasons:

1) Deployment of capital, both within and related to the system (ie- deposits held in either DXG or e-currency accounts that can quickly be converted to DXG), is a very key franchise component.

2) Comprehension and maintenance of the DXG portfolio will determine the efficiency of franchise overhead.

3) Awareness and/or preparedness for inclusion in the DXiO services being introduced will determine preferred revenue streams for the franchise.

4) Development of multiple capital-withdrawal channels and schedules is strongly advised in order to make the franchise viable.

As a private enterprise, the regulatory parameters are much more relaxed. This must be understood by anyone who wishes to become involved with DXiO.

Accuracy is everything in financial endeavors. 'Business' and 'Investment' only look similar in a thesaurus, not in a disclosure statement.

Festival of Lights

The coming of light is often cause for celebration ...

In Sweden, that's why there's joy and frivolity every 13 December. It's Luciafest --- the Festival of Lights --- that marks the unofficial beginning of their Christmas season.

Luciafest --- also known as 'St Lucia Day' or, simply, 'Lucia' --- didn't have its origins in the Christian tradition, but like a number of unique Christian festivals in Europe, it was used to 'meld' their religious message into the lore of a revered pagan legend for the purpose of increasing its own popularity. Easter, for example, arose from the Germanic fertility rituals of each year's new Spring season --- ergo, the Easter Bunny and Easter eggs --- and their calendaric proximity to the Resurrection. Christian missionaries were very clever at utilizing this tactic for the purpose of assimilating their faith into regional cultures and, as we see today, the results were most effective. In this instance, nobody remembers pagan rights of Spring anymore; Easter has totally overtaken the occasion.

Meanwhile, back in the north, long arctic nights in pre-Viking times coaxed fireside tales from elders of even harsher times before, when famine spread throughout south central Sweden. It is said that, as the darkest day of the year personnified the foreboding fate of mass starvation, a glow grew on the horizon of the great Lake Vaettern. Rays of light pierced the darkness as precursors of hope, eventually revealing a longship, laden with foodstuffs and guided by a blonde maiden in a flowing white gown. This spirit of mercy arrived not a moment too soon, and frigid devastation gave way to enlightened renewal.

Before the Julian calendar was replaced by the Gregorian calendar in the 1300s, the longest night/shortest day of the year was 13 December. Thus, this Maiden of Mercy became symbolic for the gradual lengthening of daylight that followed each successive new dawn.

Coincidentally, a similar legend was told in the Sicilian city of Syracuse. There, during the sixth century, forlorn locals gathered in their cathedral for prayers to St Lucia --- a nun who was martyred in 304 AD and whose very name meant 'light' --- when a miracle occurred in the form of a ship entering their harbor, carrying a cargo of food. Some scholars believe that the Goths --- forerunners to the Vikings who originated in western Sweden --- imparted that tale to southern Europe, where the local folk put a 'Christian' spin on it to accommodate their beliefs. However it happened, another melding of pagan lore and Christian ritual had begun its germination.

Meanwhile, back in Sweden, the western province of Halland saw this fable take iconic life in a tradition of young girls in white robes who traversed the snow and ice, torches in hand, carrying baked goods and warm greetings to homesteads throughout the countryside during the darkness of each 13 December. Other provinces took note and adopted the practice. Ultimately, these girls became festooned with crowns of lingonberry leaves and candles to further symbolize the coming of light. Somewhere else along the way, a red sash was added as an adornment, and the full costume of the 'Lucia bride' was complete.

Christianity first came to Sweden during the final throes of the Viking era in the eleventh century. As generations passed, the saintly image of Lucia became intertwined into the Swedish fable and further ebbed into their wintry custom. The local churches had noted the legend's popularity and welcomed its theme of giving which underscored the Lucia celebration. They ultimately incorporated it into their annual rota, which in turn increased their recognition and acceptance by more and more local souls. Finally, in 1927, Luciafest was acknowledged in the royal halls of Stockholm and a national tradition was cemented.

Today, electric lights have replaced candles in the maiden's crown and entourages of younger handmaidens (taernor) and starboys (stjaerngossar) now assist her. Each home may have its own Lucia celebration, but the event's highlight is when each village and city neighborhood 'elects' a Lucia, who then leads her procession to a common service, accompanied by song and a buffet of pastries. These include the traditional 'lussekatter' --- saffron-flavored buns shaped like curled-up cats, with raisins for eyes --- and pepparkakor (ginger snaps) which are accompanied by refreshments such as 'gloegg' --- a hot spiced wine --- or coffee.

Needless to say, Luciafest remains as a uniquely Swedish national holiday. The household celebration takes place before dawn, the civic galas and church services occupy the abbreviated daylight hours, and for those who want to make the most of the occasion, the 'Lucia wake' takes the most party-hardy of souls well into the long Swedish night.

It's quite possible that, during the latter part of that program, another Swedish spirit may appear. This is a high-octane grain- or potato-based libation that can well and truly addle a mind, even to the point where vestiges of other pagan-era Lucia apparitions may be conjured. As late as the Middle Ages, a prevalent belief was that Lucia Night hosted the ravages of ghosts and goblins, with animals becoming enchanted so as to speak to them.

In those instances, given enough aquavit, what the church tooketh away, the spirit broughteth back.

Hidden Riches

From a historical perspective, 'The DaVinci Code' is good fiction ...

I do think the book has provided a very real cultural benefit, though. By weaving many tales of medieval Christian mysticism into its story line, the book has stimulated a multitude of readers to look beyond the veneer of printed words in search of higher meanings. This is good, because both literature and history contain them in abundance. The richness of the written word and the refining effects of time have produced works essential to our lives' inner guidance.

Hopefully, more people will be inspired by this work of fiction to more fully explore other tomes that have even deeper meanings.

I'm referring to the Bible, the Torah and the Koran.

Many of the world's tensions have their roots in opinion leaders who espouse literal interpretations of those volumes. Even more preposterous is that many of these issues are fomented by their own self-serving versions of those interpretations. From the silly 'War on Christmas' campaign being waged by some religious conservatives in the USA to the tragic turf wars over perceived sacred grounds in the Middle East, power bases masquerading as pulpits exploit literal definitions of holy words to seek nothing more than an increase in their sphere of influence. It is not enough for them to sway likeminded individuals, they cannot wield sufficient power until they can alter the lives of those who have chosen a different moral path, no matter how independently righteous that path may be.

I believe an effective means of curbing this troubling tendency is to expose the shallowness of such literal espousings. And so, I would like to share an article written in 2000 by Rabbi H David Rose, entitled:

"The Literal Truth? Pondering the Variety of Interpretations in Scripture."

It is one of the best dissertations on the subject that I have ever read.

The balance of today's column consists of Rabbi Rose's words:

"Dear God," Donna wrote. "Last week it rained for five days straight. We thought it would be like Noah's ark, but it wasn't. I'm glad because you could only take two of each animal into the ark, and I have three cats."

A professor of molecular biology wrote in a national magazine, "Given the dimensions of the ark and its wooden construction, the first stiff breeze would have broken it up. Its capacity was only a fraction of what was needed for the animals and their food supply, not to speak of their specialized needs for housing."

Are the narratives in the Bible fact or fiction? Were the prophets truth-tellers, or great storytellers? Did Methuselah live upon this earth for 969 years, as we are taught in Genesis? Did Abraham send his first child, Ishmael, out into the wilderness and almost sacrifice his son, Isaac?

And is any of this relevant to us and to our lives?

Many who read the Bible do so in a literal way. For these people, be they Christian or Jew, the choice is simple: Either the Bible is the exact written record of God's words, or it is not.

If it is God's word, then it is to be followed exactly as written. If not, then why bother?

Others, including myself, are convinced that to read our sacred texts literally is to miss the point. To do so, in my opinion, is to corrupt and stagnate the ever-growing relevance of our holy texts.

The Zohar (a book of Jewish mysticism) teaches, "Were the Torah (Bible) a mere book of tales and everyday matters, we could compose a text of even greater excellence. The Torah has clothed itself in the outer garments of the world, and woe to the person who looks at the garment as being Torah."

In other words, the essence of God's message is hidden from a person who takes a literal view. The word is not the message; the message lies behind the words.

Consider the story of Noah's ark. A literal interpretation misses the relevance and profound moral symbolism of the story, of the world flood and its implications for humanity.

The vital lesson of Noah's story is the human capacity for self-destruction and the ability of one person to save the world.
In our time, we possess the capability to quickly destroy creation through our nuclear power or to slowly and significantly damage our planet through waste and pollution. Like Noah's generation, we are also able to corrupt the purpose of our existence through moral failure.

When we come to think that we or our creations are invincible, we soon find ourselves in deep water, just like the people of Noah's generation. Even the most powerful of human beings must face their limits or be brought low.

The tale of Noah's ark is about confronting both our power and our limitations as individuals and as society. The story is true not because it ever happened, but because it keeps on happening.

The Noah story is true, because it describes a drama we all face, generation after generation.

When we go beyond the literal sense of the text, we find meaning and relevance. When we can see our own struggles in the text, we can then take hold of the meaning of our sacred texts.

Rabbi Naftali Zvi Yehuda Berlin, an authority on the interpretation of the Hebrew Bible and a giant of 19th century Judaism, maintained that the entire Hebrew Bible "possesses the nature and the central character of poetry." One must be aware of poetic allusions, metaphors and figurative expressions to appreciate the meaning of scripture.

How could it be any other way? Hardly a verse in the Hebrew Bible can be understood verbatim. Take the statement, "And God said." Does God have a larynx? In what language did God speak?

To read Torah with the question, "Did it happen?" in our minds is to think of the wrong question. As Elie Wiesel has taught, "Not everything that happened is true, nor did everything that is true necessarily happen."

We all have the capacity to recognize truth in art, in movies and in plays, whether they accurately portray something that really happened or not.

Imagine that two books are lying before us. The first book was written by a Dr. Smith, an eminent ophthalmologist. It describes a complicated surgery which restored the eyesight of a Ms. Jones.

Ms. Jones is the author of the second book. In this book, Ms. Jones reports her fright, her anxiety and her pain. Then she tells of her exultation after the bandages were removed and she could see again.

Should we ask which book is the truth? Each book has a different intention and shares a different perspective. The doctor's truth is not that of the patient. A single criterion of truth creates needless contradictions. Both are true. Similarly, there is no single true way to read scripture.

Our sacred texts are sources of truth and meaning, and we must learn to open our eyes to them.

A literal viewing of our traditional books may obscure the truths within them, or worse, cause us to turn away and not look again.

Most of us learned scripture only as children. We were taught only literal explanations.

When we grew up, we outgrew such literal fairy tales and left them tucked away with the tooth fairy and other such nonsense.

As adults, our task in reading the treasures of our traditions and in living lives based on scripture is to uncover the layers of meaning. When we study, read and meditate on our sacred words, we discover their spiritual implications.

May we hold on to our sacred texts, and may they guide our lives and give meaning to all that we do.

Superchery

The best way to cheapen anything is to overuse it ...

I recall a sports clip from many years ago, where a veteran basketball player near the end of his career was reminiscing about his prime and comparing it to the supporting-cast status he was about to assume with his latest team. He made a comment along the lines of "I've been a superstar; it's fine with me if I don't have that role anymore."

Perhaps he thought he was being humble. For my part, I thought that if I didn't remember him from a fairly illustrious college career, I wouldn't have picked him out of a lineup of one.

Superstar?

This word took flight in the 1970s, as far as I can tell. It was originally intended to draw a distinction between well-known people and really well-known people, usually from the sports or entertainment industries. However, I think most would agree that the term reached its zenith when Andrew Lloyd-Weber and Tim Rice affixed it to the title of their most famous rock opera, 'Jesus Christ Superstar.'

Admittedly, a reference like that set the bar quite high for anyone else who might want to be affiliated with the designation. But to me, this is the way it should be.

For the past decade or so, especially in the USA, 'superstar' has been so watered down that even pop dictionaries have begun to pull back on its significance. Any notable of the moment seems to qualify. However, for the most part, unless they're like the basketball player mentioned above and actually believe the hype, they're not the root of the diluted definition.

That distinction is reserved for our contemporary wordsmiths, the writers and broadcasters of our time.

There's a reason such a seemingly innocuous bit of pedantry merits notice. The Longer Life site promotes factors which can improve your quality of living. To me, that implies that certain standards of competence must be maintained. In the bell curve of daily existence, there must be sentinels whose very actions exemplify and maintain quality in their area of expertise. This is how a culture advances.

The impact of wordsmiths in any culture is enormous. Not only do they chronicle every aspect of it, they influence its nature and perceptions. The prominence of their vocations ensures they are very aware of these realities.

Thus, there should be little or no tolerance for rendering the tools of their trade --- words and grammar --- in diminishing contexts.

Thus, in this instance, a 'star' is recognized by anyone who follows his profession. A 'superstar' is recognized by anyone. David Beckham is a superstar. So is Michael Jordan, Babe Ruth, Wayne Gretzky, Humphrey Bogart, Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley and Maria Callas.

So is Ernest Hemingway.

His work is proof that it's not the tools you use, but how you use them. He's what Hunter S Thompson and Richard Farina almost were. More importantly, he did his part to keep the bar raised high.

That Hemingway immersed himself into every aspect of that word is a backhanded tribute to his zeal for both his times and his craft.

It's what we should expect from a superstar.

Nice Twist

The legendary George Carlin made a career out of calling attention to the difference between how words and phrases are perceived as opposed to what they're 'actually' saying ...

He would ask wonderfully rhetorical questions, my favorite of which was this:

- Would you really get on a non-stop flight?

And yet, that term is not only used on a daily basis, but with a straight face every time. How does this happen, where nonsense actually becomes an understandable phrase?

There are two schools of thought when it comes to the use of the English language. The conservative view is that its integrity must be maintained, perhaps grudgingly at times. The liberal view is that, in order to be a lively, vibrant language, it needs to adapt to the times. Of course, there's also my view, which is that the English language defies definition.

My case could be stated by citing the classic instance where it can be argued that 'ghoti' is a homonym of 'fish' by nature of the following logic:

- 'gh' sounds like 'f' in words like 'enough' and 'cough;'

- 'o' sounds like 'i' in 'women;' and

- 'ti' sounds like 'sh' in words like 'sanction' and 'action.'

This is a ridiculous extreme, of course. The evolution of letter combinations and the sounds they represent in English is a result of dialectical isolation over many decades. As universal as the language has become, this is a natural progression. It's also why more geographically 'compact' languages such as Swedish remain 'purer' in the logic of their pronunciation rules.

Another development of English is that, not only do sounds change over time, so do definitions.

With that in mind, let's take a 'nice' change of direction. 'Nice' has its origin in the Latin word, 'nescius,' which means 'ignorant.' So, the phrase 'nice man' would have been referring to an idiot in the 1400s. However, by the 1600s, the word had turned. A 'nice man' then meant that he was 'refined.' After slightly more than a century, a 'nice man' had become 'pleasant' --- and is recognized in the Merriam-Webster dictionary as such --- which stands to this day.

How 'sick' is that for a turn of events?

I'm not sure what 'dudes' did in the 1400s to do the deed on 'nice,' but their modern-day progeny are alive and well, turning the street meaning of 'sick' into a synonym for 'cool,' which was 'morphed' by earlier 'cats' from a temperature condition to a state of zeitgeist. (That's German for 'trendy;' conservatives find foreign phrases acceptable as 'pop' condescensions.) Every generation has its slang, of course. It's rare that definitions of affected words actually evolve into the established vernacular, ie- dictionary recognition, which ironically gives them the distinction of being defended by conservatives as 'proper' English. Whether that occurs or not, people of each time period still need to understand each other. This gives rise to 'alternative' reference sources.

One of the more interesting of these today is the Urban Dictionary website. It's the brainchild of Aaron Peckham, when he was a student at (where else?) Cal Poly in 1999. He saw a need to catalog, define and post today's slang for the benefit of all. His site is non-profit and its popularity has skyrocketed. The key reason for this has got to be the exponential growth of cyberspace and the resultant melding of global slang.

The Urban Dictionary has become so popular, it's now available in book form. It contains a modest 2000 slang definitions. However, that number is the same as the volume of submissions the website receives every day from contributors around the world. You'll find over 250,000 entries there, from emoticons to phrases, with everything else in between.

If you've 'gone 404' --- an allusion to the online error message displayed when a site is missing --- you're truly speaking geek. If you're ignoring someone by concentrating on your electronic device, such as a PDA, MP3 or laptop, you're 'evoiding' them. Have you ever accidentally called someone because your mobile phone fits too tightly in your pocket? If so, you've just 'butt dialed' someone.

Peckham's labor of love attracts millions of hits per year. He now utilizes the services of volunteer editors to keep his site up-to-date. It's fair to say that the Urban Dictionary has become a reliable reference for coping with the cyber-culture. Peckham says as much in the book's introduction, calling it "a resource for parents trying to understand their kids, for language learners confused by real-world English — but most of all for your entertainment."

It is an interesting surf. As he promises, it can even be quite useful. In fact, I'd even go so far as to say that he's done a very nice job with it. Very nice, indeed. In a sick sort of way, of course.

The Math of the Aftermath

Comedian Chevy Chase, when he anchored the first Saturday Night Live faux-news desk, had a running joke that satirized, post-mortem, the endless medical updates provided by the public relations machine of a dying dictator ...

"Here's a bulletin from Spain: Doctors are reporting that Generalissimo Francisco Franco is holding fast in his valiant fight to remain dead!"

The point, of course, was that neither the Spanish public nor the global public at the time was ever fooled by the propaganda of Franco's terminal condition during his last days. The tweak also carried undertones that no government could overcome the forces of nature, no matter what it announced.

That brings us to the wake of Hurricane Katrina.

Anyone who has been to the Gulf Coast says that the media images of the devastation there --- no matter how hard they try --- just cannot convey the scope of the disaster. Vast segments of the region have literally been blown back a couple of centuries, to a time when electricity, telephones, running water and the like were either a luxury or a futuristic concept. Usual conveniences such as food shopping are still a major challenge to many. Some jobs may have left with Katrina; like her, they may never return.

This doesn't look like it's going to get much better anytime soon, either.

I thought of this while taking a second look at the pages on the Longer Life site, all of which include the American Red Cross public service ad which appeals for donations to their hurricane relief fund. The appeals are just as urgent and relevant today as they were when they were first posted. I sometimes wonder, though, if those who view them don't get so accustomed to their presence that they ultimately look past them. I know the plan at the Longer Life site is to keep them in place until all needs are met, which in my opinion, means the Red Cross will be a fixture on their pages for a long time to come.

The American government recently released over 100,000 pages of documents which dealt with their handling of the crisis. It's notable in the impression that they didn't give the matter much more attention than they would have if the affected area was a third-world country. Having said that, the sheer volume of funds required to repair and rebuild is staggering.

For example, it's been cited in the Los Angeles Times that the costliest public works project to date was the shift of freeways in Boston to an underground route. The price tag was $14.6 billion, the time factor was 14 years and the object of the exercise was to move just under eight miles of roadway into a tunnel.

The Gulf Coast reclamation is going to involve much more than eight miles of tunneling.

It's been reported that the federal commitment to this task has already exceeded $62 billion. One third of that amount has already been deployed and it can fairly be said that its effects are hardly noticed. This total will be added to the federal deficit, of course, right along with the billions being spent to do whatever it is they currently say they're doing in Iraq. If the current administration holds fast to its pledge against raising taxes, the implication is that a host of cuts in other programs is inevitable.

Thus, Americans won't have to be located along the Gulf Coast to somehow share in its devastation. Among other things, some interest groups are now taking a close look at how funds are being utilized and allocated. Allegations of misappropriations and the like are sure to follow.

Contrast this state of affairs with the recent earthquake in Pakistan. The magnitude of that disaster was similarly breathtaking. If you missed it, the Richter scale measured the quake at 7.8 and an estimated 87,000 people were killed. Their government already depends upon the USA for much of its additional aid. It may be a while before they see anything significant to assist in this natural tragedy.

One city there will have additional help. It's coming in the form of lottery winnings. A gentleman named Ishan Khan hit it big while working in the USA as a taxi driver. He nailed a $55 million jackpot and took his winnings up front, netting over $32 million. Mr Khan moved back to his homeland, where that amount of money can spend like $1 billion and where he instantly became one of Pakistan's most wealthy private individuals.

It's obvious to Mr Khan that private assistance is necessary for relief efforts there to have any immediacy. His village, Batagram, lost 4500 citizens in the 8 Oct quake and surely, a good number of those were known to him. Here's the Associated Press account of his response to date:

"Just days before the earthquake, Khan was elected district nazim, or mayor, of Batagram. After the quake hit, he helped pull survivors from the rubble, and paid to get the most seriously injured to regional hospitals. He told pharmacists he would pay them later for dispensing all the medicine on their shelves. The bill came to 10 million rupees, almost $200,000.

"Khan has bankrolled a program to supply roofing materials to rebuild shattered homes. He bought 150 tents, some of which occupy land just outside his mansion with panoramic views of snowcapped peaks.

"Most important, Khan has emerged as a colorful and outspoken critic of local government corruption. In recent days, the blue-eyed nazim — who refers to himself simply as Khan — has dismissed the town's police chief and fired another official. Khan promises to continue the housecleaning. 'We have a calamity and people are lazy, unable to move,' he says. 'So I started firing people.'

"Relief workers are impressed. 'He's a take-charge person,' says Aziuddin Ahmad, who works with a Malaysian aid group."

With that record, I'm sure there would be a good number of towns along the Gulf Coast that would elect him to public office, too.

With so much money required, both public accountability and private incentive are imperative if the effects of these disasters are to be overcome. Let's hope that interest groups in both the USA and Pakistan monitor the former closely and with the greater good in mind.

Meanwhile, let's not let those Red Cross ads blend into the background. As Mr Khan has exemplified, there is no more effective actions than those taken by personal incentive. Do whatever you can do to make sure your governmental representatives understand that accountability in dispersing relief funds is important to taxpayers and can shear years from the completion date of reclamation projects. More directly, anytime --- now or whenever, as this effort is going to take years to accomplish --- you have a bit of funds to spare, forsake the costs of a night on the town or its equivalent and click on the Red Cross ad.

Perhaps your donation won't come from winning the lottery, but the knowledge that you've helped a disaster victim in need will make it feel like you did.

Phishing with a Net

When geeks gave us the Internet and the means to use it, they also gave us a new segment of vocabulary ...

I've often thought it a shame that a few of them didn't make their way to a campus literature or marketing department and see if a student of poetry or sizzle could assist them in assigning names to their innovations. For example, did the manual cursor operator have to be called a 'mouse?'

Geeks have overtaken sports-speakers when it comes to coining bad phrases. I've never understood why basketball types say a player 'kicks out' a ball to a teammate on the perimeter when his feet never touch it. Worse yet, I've always wondered if a gridiron football player would really want to dive on the ball if the carrier truly 'coughed it up!' That bit of literal imagery is more revulsive than handling a mouse. Do these guys really think about what they're saying?

There is one instance, though, where the geeks thought it through and got it right. 'Phishing' is a perfect connotation for cyber-cons who troll for prey.

The word's spelling distinguishes this nefarious activity from a sporting endeavor, but it's still a game. The definition that's been developed for it is "a technique used to gain personal information for purposes of identity theft, using fraudulent e-mail messages that appear to come from legitimate businesses. These authentic-looking messages are designed to fool recipients into divulging personal data such as account numbers and passwords, credit card numbers and Social Security numbers."

Another term that alludes to the emotive consequences of cyberobbery is the perjorative sense of 'hacker.' That bit of etymology seems to be a work in progress. The accepted definition refers to "individuals who gain unauthorized access to computer systems for the purpose of stealing and corrupting data." However, the added qualifier is, "Hackers, themselves, maintain that the proper term for such individuals is cracker."

Being hacked or being cracked makes little difference to those on the receiving end. They just know they've been had. Understandably, their first impulses are to get mad and want to vent. My contention is that, most of the time, they're lashing out in the wrong direction. After all, crooks are crooks; that's their job and they're out there in numbers. That's not going to change anytime soon.

These victims need to take a hard look at themselves.

The economics of law enforcement --- in cyberspace or elsewhere --- limits what can be investigated and prosecuted. Thus, smart spoofers often keep their 'take' per scam campaign at levels sufficiently low that the cost of prosecuting them is not viable. Then, they change their coordinates, plus their identities, and do it again.

So, obviously, the most important factor in cyber-diligence is self-precaution. Most steps are basic, as evidenced by the checklist on the USA government's Federal Trade Commission website:

"If you get an email or pop-up message that asks for personal or financial information, do not reply. And don’t click on the link in the message, either. Legitimate companies don’t ask for this information via email. If you are concerned about your account, contact the organization mentioned in the email using a telephone number you know to be genuine, or open a new Internet browser session and type in the company’s correct Web address yourself. In any case, don’t cut and paste the link from the message into your Internet browser — phishers can make links look like they go to one place, but that actually send you to a different site.

"Use anti-virus software and a firewall, and keep them up to date. Some phishing emails contain software that can harm your computer or track your activities on the Internet without your knowledge.

"Anti-virus software and a firewall can protect you from inadvertently accepting such unwanted files. Anti-virus software scans incoming communications for troublesome files. Look for anti-virus software that recognizes current viruses as well as older ones; that can effectively reverse the damage; and that updates automatically.

"A firewall helps make you invisible on the Internet and blocks all communications from unauthorized sources. It’s especially important to run a firewall if you have a broadband connection. Operating systems (like Windows or Linux) or browsers (like Internet Explorer or Netscape) also may offer free software 'patches' to close holes in the system that hackers or phishers could exploit.

"Don’t email personal or financial information. Email is not a secure method of transmitting personal information. If you initiate a transaction and want to provide your personal or financial information through an organization’s website, look for indicators that the site is secure, like a lock icon on the browser’s status bar or a URL for a website that begins 'https:' (the 's' stands for 'secure'). Unfortunately, no indicator is foolproof; some phishers have forged security icons.

"Review credit card and bank account statements as soon as you receive them to check for unauthorized charges. If your statement is late by more than a couple of days, call your credit card company or bank to confirm your billing address and account balances.

"Be cautious about opening any attachment or downloading any files from emails you receive, regardless of who sent them. These files can contain viruses or other software that can weaken your computer’s security.

"Forward spam that is phishing for information to spam@uce.gov and to the company, bank, or organization impersonated in the phishing email. Most organizations have information on their websites about where to report problems.

"If you believe you’ve been scammed, file your complaint at ftc.gov, and then visit the FTC’s Identity Theft website at www.consumer.gov/idtheft. Victims of phishing can become victims of identity theft. While you can't entirely control whether you will become a victim of identity theft, you can take some steps to minimize your risk. If an identity thief is opening credit accounts in your name, these new accounts are likely to show up on your credit report. You may catch an incident early if you order a free copy of your credit report periodically from any of the three major credit bureaus."

If you use e-currency or e-payment services, be aware that they are usually not liable for any of your losses if you've been hacked or cracked due to identity-theft issues. All reputable services have support divisions that investigate any complaints of spoofing --- for example, Paypal asks you to mail them at spoof@paypal.com if you receive a suspicious message using their name --- and if anyone is going to pursue, or at least keep on file, complaints of any amount, it will be them.

Virtually all e-currency services offer options of 'virtual' keyboards for logging in to accounts. They may be a bother, but they are very effective at adding a formidable obstacle for cyber-invasion. Then, whether or not you took this step to access your account, make sure you take the time to actually log out of your account, as opposed to merely clicking away to your next site.

I note that the Longer Life site has two very good preventive products as sponsors, Kaspersky Labs and Identity Guard. They are first-class products and well worth your while to consider.

This stuff doesn't take long to research or to implement and you don't have to be a geek to do it. You don't even have to know their their terminology. Instead, when you're done, you can confidently refer to a familiar term in both sports and banking:

Safe.